I have been thinking of what to write.... Do I write about gratitude, how to guides, meditation, positivity etc...
I look at other people's Blog and they look great and read well and productive.
I then question myself, and over think. Then the self sabotage begins. My little inner voice comes out.... You cant write!... You failed all GCSE's at school and your grammar is rubbish... You're not smart enough...Who wants to read what you have to say... You don't know anything worth writing about and are an imposter!
Staring at a blank page, writing a few words, deleting a few words. I finally decided to write about that inner voice.
We ALL have a inner voice (Gremlin as I like to call her) she creeps in more than I would like and we are constantly arguing. (More than I did with my brother when we were kids!) You would think that we should be best friends and have my back. But, no! She likes to ruin a lot and talk me out of most things.
Last year I had a breakdown. I was embarrassed and ashamed, I just couldn't cope. But why? In all honesty, I felt life was beating me with a stick. It got to a point when I just wanted it to knock me out for good.
You are all aware that life isn't easy. It wasn't till looking back that my inner voice had a part to play in it.
My little gremlin was telling me:
You are an imposter you can't do your job.
What does your partner see in you, you're a loser.
You should be a better role model for the girls.
You didn't take the dog for a walk, how lazy are you?
Your not there for your family enough
You need to help them, you should fix them
How ugly are you. Sort yourself out.
I could go on but the list is endless!
My inner voice was attacking everything in my life in a negative way and I was listening. I believed everything she was saying and, it spiralled and spiralled down a deep dark rabbit hole.
It wasn't till my boss spoke to me that I new it was a problem. My little gremlin appeared again!! You failure. Those two words are my kryptonite.
That day, I walked out of work with a plan to have a little bit of time off. Come back nice a refreshed.....But no, I was broken. I couldn't stop listening to my inner voice. She was so mean!
My couple of weeks off work turned to months and me stepping down from my job. Looking back I am actually glad my breakdown happened. I am changing career directions, I am being open to my mental health issues and realising I am not the only one. Talking to others about mental health is a big issue for me. I never have opened up as much as I have to date. It is not only helping me but helping others.
My inner voice at present is the cute Gizmo (gremlin) before you add water. It has taken a lot of work and, I am continually working to remove anything negative, any self doubt she brings. It isn't easy and takes a lot of practice and I do fall down the rabbit hole. Just not too deep.
How have I done this?
I have used a mixture of techniques. Some work better than others, but it all depends on you. What you are comfortable with. Set time on your phone or diary to practice daily. Be kind to yourself, nothing is a quick fix. (Rome wasn't built in a day) There are enough people out there that can make you feel rubbish. Change your inner voice from being like them to being your best friend. Life is tough as it is, we don't need to be our own worst enemy.
Mirror work
Meditation
Self healing
Daily gratitude
Life coaching
Holistic therapies
I will discuss more in my following blogs.
If you are struggling and cant wait and want to know more or looking for help. Get in touch via my website, email, or social media.
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